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happy, butterfly
So, I'll be honest. I completely forgot I had this blog until today, when I found an email saying this account has made a new friend. So, that's good I guess, I have 2 LJ accounts. One for pokemon and one for everything else. My pokemon account is called PickupTeam.

For a good solid 3 months, I just played pokemon nonstop. My collection is now at 4 games - Black, White, Platinum, and HeartGold (bought in that order). I also have the New Super Mario Bros. and Super Scribblenauts, which are both equally pretty fun. I recommend both games to everybody who owns a DS.
Super Scribblenauts is a game that lets you type in words to solve puzzles. For example, there might be a puzzle where you have to melt a block of ice. Well, you could try typing in "FIRE" and just get a campfire...OR you could try "FLAMING CTHULHU" and see what happens! Unlike the previous Scribblenauts, this one lets you use adjectives.

I also play Fable 2 on Xbox, and I was playing Portal 2 before my boyfriend lent it out to his friend. u_u;;

And that's pretty much what I do in my free time these days. Life is good.

Such Elusive Truths.
happy, butterfly
I have been haunted by these questions for quite some time - and now, I've just read a completely unbiased article that tells me I'm the key to the next step in human evolution, an extraordinary beast of mental magnificence that has eluded science until very recently.
Link to said article: http://philica.com/display_article.php?article_id=195

I speak of my synesthesia, and my lifelong quest to understand it. Those of lesser mind may use Google; there is plenty of general information on the phenomena floating about the net. What I seek is specific information. I have many questions that cannot be answered unless I myself search for the answers.

Questions like:

Why is a blue song blue, and what causes this color or that one to appear?
How is it that songs sounding completely opposite can "look" nearly identical?
Is there a way to show people exactly what I see, in a way that satisfies my need to show them?
Will they even understand?
How can synesthesia be made useful in this changing age?
From whence do common synesthetic patterns emerge?
How is it possible that my brain doesn't explode from all the sensations it perceives at once?
Is there even really a point to wondering about all this?
If I devoted my life to producing a comprehensive guide to my own synesthesia, would this help science?
Am I just being a narcissist?

I don't know who to ask for help. Even people I know who have synesthesia, consider it largely passive and useless. I believe otherwise. Synesthesia has greatly enriched my life and given me much food for thought. The relationships between sound, color and kinesthesia have helped me grow to understand many truths about the human psyche, truths which may have otherwise taken years and years of actual interaction with people to realize.

Synesthesia gives me a great boost in memory, but my mind is cluttered with tons of random, completely useless memories.

I believe that being a full-blown synesthete (one with at least 5 cross-modal associations) is the closest thing we have to being "psychic," especially if you count "aura perception" or personality to color. I can instantly know what type of person I'm dealing with within seconds of meeting them- they exhue various shades of the rainbow and the mood the colors set tells me everything. Most dangerous are the people I see no colors in; they are hiding themselves from others.

In conclusion, I have no fucking clue. x_x

I Agree with Jews *way more* than I'll ever Agree with Xians.
happy, butterfly
 Firstly, I shall preface this with my core (meta) belief, and that is "Nothing is true; everything is permitted."
For those unfamiliar with Chaos-type thinking, this means that all beliefs and paradigms are permissible- I'll listen to any point of view with an open mind, and usually give it the benefit of the doubt. However, none of these paradigms will ever be considered the one truth over all.

Now that that's out of the way, I shall state my reasons for favoring the Jewish belief systems over the Christian ones.

1. The Jewish version of God is internally consistent.

In the Jewish beliefs, there is 1 God. He is omnipotent and omniscient, and is in charge of everything. No logical errors there.

Christians screwed it all up when they made the claim that this same God is also benevolent. Now, God cannot be omniscient; an omniscient being could never be biased towards the petty human concepts of good or evil. But evil still exists in the world, so they invented Satan as the grand mastermind behind all evil.

God is omnipotent and benevolent; it should follow that He would utterly destroy Satan, or not allow him to exist in the first place. Thus, God is either too weak to destroy Satan, and not omnipotent; or, He doesn't care that Satan exists, and is not benevolent.

Being omniscient, He had to have known from the start that Satan would rebel against Him. God can create anything in any way He wants; so either God made a mistake (impossible for an omniscient being), or God designed Lucifer/Satan with the idea in mind that he would one day be the greatest adversary to Him and to mankind; again, making him not benevolent.

The Jewish God is both good and evil, and there is no Satan. I have no qualms with that.

2. Satan only exists as a scapegoat.

Obviously, it's possible to not have a Satan, since the Jews were around long before they spawned Xians. The only reason the idea of Satan exists, is to serve as an entity upon which to blame all evil.
As if humans weren't naturally sinful to begin with- that's not good enough. There has to be a grand conspiracy led by Satan, of demons whispering to everyone and persuading us all to sin. At least the Jews will admit to their own faults; Xians must blame an imaginary anti-God for their hypocrisy and wrongdoing!

3. Jews sounds like Juice.

I like juice.

Writer's Block: Vacation, All I Ever Wanted
happy, butterfly
Would you rather be pampered at a luxurious beachside resort or visit exotic cities and learn as much as possible about the local culture and people?

My ideal vacation would be to visit cities in other countries and soak up the culture. I love meeting new kinds of people and seeing other ways of living. I find such intellectual stimulation much more rewarding than massages and tanning. And who says you can't do both at the same time?

Writer's Block: Solo traveler
happy, butterfly
Do you find it very hard to open up to people? Why or why not? What are the benefits and disadvantages of being emotionally guarded?

Do I find it hard to open up to people? That depends. Most of the time I choose not to. In my travels I've found that the majority of random people you meet are just fulla shit and not worth talking to. By that, I mean they'll sit there and preach their beliefs to you, or tell you what they think you should do with your life, how to go about doing things and whatnot. It gets tiring hearing the same things over and over from different people.

On the other hand, you'll occasionally come across a truly fascinating person, one you can really connect with. For some, finding that person in a cafe or on a train (randomly) seems like little more than pure dumb luck. Extroverts who spend a lot of energy talking to many people would have to sift through, perhaps thousands, before finding that one person they stay friends with for years. And in the meantime their minds are bombarded with all kinds of useless crap, burning out their social receptors.
The silent introvert who sits far back in the corner may be guarded, but he is not withdrawn. He is observing everything and everyone, picking out cues. He knows what to look for, and only needs to talk to maybe 2 or 3 people before deciding on who in the room would make a good friend.

Guarding your heart is absolutely necessary for survival and sanity; it is the degree to which you should guard it that varies from person to person. An emotionally healthy and strong person need not worry too much about it - chances are you're mature enough to know which people to be guarded against and which it is safe to open up to. Having been raised in an abusive household, I've developed a sixth sense for people with ill intentions. I can almost smell it. Conversations with such people don't usually last long - I'll start to make snide retorts to get them to leave.
I can also tell almost instantly when someone is being honest, and I usually return the favor.

There are advantages to being guarded all the time, such as being less likely to get hurt. But if you overdo it, the loss of potential friendships will far outweigh any pain you might have dodged. Likewise, it is downright stupid to never be guarded. The naive are like sitting ducks, and there is always a hungry wolf searching for easy prey. The best thing to do is learn how to tell for yourself when you should be guarded, and when to open up. And that, my friends, is the essence of street-smarts.

Time to Update
happy, butterfly
I had a dream last night that Facebook finally had its own blog feature. I was so happy! I used to use Myspace, but since it's kind of dying out, I was forced to switch over to Facebook, and now I use LJ as my blog.


This past week has just been crazy. I went to Chicago over the weekend, did a little modeling and made a pretty penny...now I must resist the urge to shop. O_O Seriously, all I want are some freakin' Magic cards. I just started playing not 2 months ago, and I'm soo hooked! I want some of the new Eldrazi cards, dammet! *flails*

But alas, it is my nature to hoard, save, covet and collect. I'm like a dragon that way.
And speaking of dragons, I haven't introduced myself to my imaginary Otherkin readers!
I was once known to the otherkin community as Spanky. Some of you will have heard of me, most of you probably have not.
I used to believe in a lot of crazy, off-the-wall shit. Mainly, that my soul is really an alien spirit from an alternate dimension created by mad scientists who had fused together the most vicious, agile and intelligent creatures of their planet into a super-destroyer. Except I had a heart, and choose to only use this power for good. I'm also the reincarnation of John Lennon. Go figure.

In the past 2 years however, I've grown tired of this mental facade. Having served its main purpose (to protect me from childhood trauma, and distract from the monotony of living in small town TX...yes, I am one of THOSE otherkin); the beliefs have slowly faded into a fondly remembered cerebral romp.

Now, I'm a furry. Sort of.
I THOUGHT I wanted to be a furry at first. I tried drawing little anthropomorphized foxes, and they did turn out sexy. But mammalians just....don't really do it for me. I have trouble adapting my art style to them, as I've never really been into fwuffy widdle aminalz to begin with. I'm all about fantasy beings - angels, demons, fairies, dragons (the former 3 being mostly humanoid, and "unfit" for furry consumption)- the latter of which I don't do very often and could never bring myself to defile the majestic draconic. So I turned over a totally new leaf.

I draw anthropomorphized insects.
Yes, insects. Spiders, too, but mainly just my 6-legged friends. Why insects, you ask? Why the creepiest, ugliest, least like a human critter to walk, crawl or fly the face of the Earth?

I have always been hugely obsessed with them. I grew up on a cattle ranch, with some 30+ acres of surrounding wood. I had no social life whatsoever, so in my free time I'd steal away to the forest and run amok. There are so many kinds of bugs out there, just in my backyard, that most people have probably never seen. And they have their own tiny little ecosystem! (And no, it's nothing like A Bug's Life where ants and grasshoppers consort with one another over issues of food.) I also enjoy the challenge. You know, it's hard to find a convincing bug morph that doesn't fall into the trap of looking either exactly like an insect (or worse, an indeterminate species!), or too much like a fairy of some sort. And I'm still in the early stages of getting them to come out right.

Anyway. So while I was away in Chicago (YES! This entire entry actually ties in together! Surprise!) I met a furry on the train. A real-life furry! What are the odds? She couldn't draw worth shit though, I'm sorry to say. Ok...she could draw some. But, and I don't mean to sound arrogant here...I've been drawing for as far back as I can remember. I did almost nothing else in my free time (and I had a LOT of free time), and I have this OCD-esque compulsion to constantly improve anything I draw. I am forever striving to achieve perfection, which is a bit like chasing the moon. Some artists... they try, they fail, they give up. Those people aren't artists. You can say drawing is your hobby, but a real artist devotes himself to his work in a way that delivers results. If you don't know how to do a certain technique, find a tutorial somewhere! The whole of the intertubes is at your fingertips! There's no excuse nowadays besides laziness.
Sorry if that was rude or offended anyone. I just don't like it when "artists" sit there and whine about how their art sucks, yet do nothing about it. Major pet peeve.

Oh..right. I had a point to make somewhere along the way. ^_^;;;;;
So this furry talks to me and the other (guy) friend I'd made on the train. We figured out that the reason we all gravitated to each other is because we're lost. Some weird Karma bullshit, I guess. To cut a long story short, the furry traded seats with me, offering up her quiet seat so I could get rest, in exchange for my seat next to my guy friend so she could get some action. Or try to anyway. The next morning he told me all about it, how she was being all uber-clingy to the point of terrifying, creepy. And it made me think about all the furries I've known personally. They're all pretty much like that. (Not all furries, mind you; just the ones I've known personally.) It made me wonder if I'm converting to fur-ness for the wrong reasons.

You know....I'm a unique individual. I don't like to think that I am, but people tell me it all the time. It makes me feel incredibly lonely. Growing up, I just wanted to be normal, to fit in. The older I got the more I accepted that that's never going to happen, so I went for the next best thing. I looked for fringe groups that shared my bizarre way of thinking and interests. I tried the vampire community. Goths. Otherkin. And now Furries. Even though I fit myself into those groups, I still felt I had to be different from them somehow....because I am.

So I sit down and I really have to ask myself this important question.
What is more important to me:
Being accepted?
Or my individuality?

If you've read this far, chances are you're either highly amused/intrigued by this strange person before you... or experiencing something similar yourself and are finally glad to read about someone else going through it.

Well, let me tell you this. There is NOTHING more important in this world than one's autonomy. We live on a planet populated by 6 billion people. That's about 8 more decimal places than your little monkey brain is able to comprehend. Not only that, but compared to other animals on this planet, our gene pool is fairly small. Humans are genetically more identical to one another than any other animal. Bearing those 2 facts in mind, the odds of coming across a person that is actually, truly, unique, are probably close to zero. There are only about 20 or so types of personalities in the world. And just look at how societies are structured. Conformity is encouraged from birth. We are not herd animals, but sometimes it sure seems like it! Get a person that's a little bit different and the herd shuns him. Get a person who's very different, and he's put on drugs to make him "normal". Uniqueness...Individuality. This is far more precious than platinum.

Having done some travelling, I finally understand that.

God damn you half-Japanese girls...do it to me every time
happy, butterfly
I've discovered something important... something that may very well change the way I live the rest of my life. o_o

I do a shit ton of other art when I'm procrastinating from doing a commission for someone. Yup. I'm procrastinating right now. And you know, lots of activity is good for creativity. It sort of fills up a reservoir inside...when you sit idly by (as when drawing), that reservoir slowly drains. I never used to be the type of person to get out and do things, but now....Now I am just tired of sitting in my room all the time! I didn't overcome anorexia, suicidal thoughts, depression, an abusive mother, or graduate high school a year early just to sit around and do nothing for the rest of my life! I aspire to action. Adventure. And at the end of the day, art! o.o


* shameless self promotion *
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Writer's Block: Tolerance 101?
happy, butterfly
If you could create/select a new subject that had to be taught in high school, what would it be, and why?

If I could create any subject? I'd personally revamp the entire education system...but, to answer the question properly, my class would be Life Skills. Now granted, there are many things in life that (supposedly) can't be taught, like street smarts. But schools should teach us things like, how to manage your money or how to look for a job, write a resume and look good in an interview. My school offered only the first of these, and only as a self-paced modular elective. I didn't retain any of it because I just did the work as quickly as I could to get the grade.
Not every kid goes straight into college...Don't get me wrong, college is great and all. But what if we're all prepped for college and aren't sure if we want to go or not? We're S.O.L. No one teaches us basic job hunting skills; we have to learn on our own, from our parents (not always an option) or from someone else.

Another good subject for this class would be entrepreneurism. With the job market so crappy these days, more and more people are opting to start their own, often 1-man businesses. This is wonderful, but not everyone has the skills, knowledge or the right attitude to do it. I think if it were taught as a set of skills, more people would choose this path, which is better for the economy.

Random Update
happy, butterfly
I'm visiting my friend Josh, who lives in Woodlands, TX, this week...except he works all week so most of the time I'll just be sitting around his house. Oh, well. At least he has hi-speed intertubes. Plus, I'll have some peace and quiet (away from the nephews) to work on my art.
I woke up this morning thinking, Wow. The only thing more annoying than having Kat's hair all over everything....is having cat hair all over everything. X3
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Home Sweltering Home
happy, butterfly
First, a message to everyone in Texas that knows me:
I've moved back to Luling. I live with my sister, Trina, her boyfriend Elfie, and my 2 nephews Ozric and Aidan. Currently, it appears that I will be here for a long time. I have a boyfriend in AZ who I plan to live with later, but that's going to take a while. So for the time being, I just want to have fun, reconnect with my friends and make new ones.

For those that don't know me or have lost touch, a synopsis of what's been going on in my life:
I graduated from Luling High in '06 at age 17, at the same time my parents had finalized their divorce. From there, I went to ITT tech, which lasted roughly 2 weeks before I decided I didn't want to be an architect, or a game designer. I spent the next 3 years moving from state to state with various friends and acquaintances, trying to find a place in the world and recover from the shock and trauma of the divorce and all the shit I put up with in school and from my abusive mom.
I moved to Kansas, where I spent 5 months and did not leave the apartment except on 3 short occasions. Then I was forced to leave due to financial trouble, so I moved in with a friend (Tristan) in South Dakota. Tristan helped me overcome some of my agoraphobia and helped me get my first job at Wal-Mart. I stayed in SD for about a year, until again financial difficulty forced me to move on. I went back to Texas, where I lived with my dad for about a month or two.
I still wanted to leave, so I moved to Houston with a guy I met on a forum named Dave. I didn't know him as well as my previous 2 roommates, and we weren't a very good match what with his OCD and my being a messy, chaotic person. I tried getting a job at McDonald's, but developed panic disorder. I had my first panic attack in the drive-thru window and was never able to return to work, nor could I attempt to get another job. Dave graciously let me stay for a few more months before kicking me out. Then, instead of going back home, I chose to be homeless.
I spent a week in Chicago on a modeling gig, so I'd have some pocket money. Then I flew back to Houston and squatted for a few days. I was taken in by a couple of dudes from Mississippi, but they ended up being total asswipes, and tried to force me to have sex with them or leave. I left. Then I went to some shelters. I got put on meds for depression and anxiety, which didn't work at all. In fact they did the exact opposite of what they were supposed to; they returned me to my self-mutilating behavior. I have permanent scars on the back of my right hand, both arms and both thighs, and my left foot. The whole experience was a complete nightmare which taught me, once and for all, that: 1) our knowledge of the human brain is extremely limited; and 2) the psychiatric industry is corrupt, fueled by greed and interested only in yoking every individual into a subservient mindframe. But at least we've taken a small step up from the days of literally torturing the insane in order to drive out demons.
After that, I ran home with my tail between my legs and stayed for a good 8 months. Then my friend Kat invited me up to NY to live with her, so I went. Things didn't go so smoothly, and we aren't friends anymore. So that's that, and here I am now.
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