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happy, butterfly
I had a dream last night that Facebook finally had its own blog feature. I was so happy! I used to use Myspace, but since it's kind of dying out, I was forced to switch over to Facebook, and now I use LJ as my blog.


This past week has just been crazy. I went to Chicago over the weekend, did a little modeling and made a pretty I must resist the urge to shop. O_O Seriously, all I want are some freakin' Magic cards. I just started playing not 2 months ago, and I'm soo hooked! I want some of the new Eldrazi cards, dammet! *flails*

But alas, it is my nature to hoard, save, covet and collect. I'm like a dragon that way.
And speaking of dragons, I haven't introduced myself to my imaginary Otherkin readers!
I was once known to the otherkin community as Spanky. Some of you will have heard of me, most of you probably have not.
I used to believe in a lot of crazy, off-the-wall shit. Mainly, that my soul is really an alien spirit from an alternate dimension created by mad scientists who had fused together the most vicious, agile and intelligent creatures of their planet into a super-destroyer. Except I had a heart, and choose to only use this power for good. I'm also the reincarnation of John Lennon. Go figure.

In the past 2 years however, I've grown tired of this mental facade. Having served its main purpose (to protect me from childhood trauma, and distract from the monotony of living in small town TX...yes, I am one of THOSE otherkin); the beliefs have slowly faded into a fondly remembered cerebral romp.

Now, I'm a furry. Sort of.
I THOUGHT I wanted to be a furry at first. I tried drawing little anthropomorphized foxes, and they did turn out sexy. But mammalians just....don't really do it for me. I have trouble adapting my art style to them, as I've never really been into fwuffy widdle aminalz to begin with. I'm all about fantasy beings - angels, demons, fairies, dragons (the former 3 being mostly humanoid, and "unfit" for furry consumption)- the latter of which I don't do very often and could never bring myself to defile the majestic draconic. So I turned over a totally new leaf.

I draw anthropomorphized insects.
Yes, insects. Spiders, too, but mainly just my 6-legged friends. Why insects, you ask? Why the creepiest, ugliest, least like a human critter to walk, crawl or fly the face of the Earth?

I have always been hugely obsessed with them. I grew up on a cattle ranch, with some 30+ acres of surrounding wood. I had no social life whatsoever, so in my free time I'd steal away to the forest and run amok. There are so many kinds of bugs out there, just in my backyard, that most people have probably never seen. And they have their own tiny little ecosystem! (And no, it's nothing like A Bug's Life where ants and grasshoppers consort with one another over issues of food.) I also enjoy the challenge. You know, it's hard to find a convincing bug morph that doesn't fall into the trap of looking either exactly like an insect (or worse, an indeterminate species!), or too much like a fairy of some sort. And I'm still in the early stages of getting them to come out right.

Anyway. So while I was away in Chicago (YES! This entire entry actually ties in together! Surprise!) I met a furry on the train. A real-life furry! What are the odds? She couldn't draw worth shit though, I'm sorry to say. Ok...she could draw some. But, and I don't mean to sound arrogant here...I've been drawing for as far back as I can remember. I did almost nothing else in my free time (and I had a LOT of free time), and I have this OCD-esque compulsion to constantly improve anything I draw. I am forever striving to achieve perfection, which is a bit like chasing the moon. Some artists... they try, they fail, they give up. Those people aren't artists. You can say drawing is your hobby, but a real artist devotes himself to his work in a way that delivers results. If you don't know how to do a certain technique, find a tutorial somewhere! The whole of the intertubes is at your fingertips! There's no excuse nowadays besides laziness.
Sorry if that was rude or offended anyone. I just don't like it when "artists" sit there and whine about how their art sucks, yet do nothing about it. Major pet peeve.

Oh..right. I had a point to make somewhere along the way. ^_^;;;;;
So this furry talks to me and the other (guy) friend I'd made on the train. We figured out that the reason we all gravitated to each other is because we're lost. Some weird Karma bullshit, I guess. To cut a long story short, the furry traded seats with me, offering up her quiet seat so I could get rest, in exchange for my seat next to my guy friend so she could get some action. Or try to anyway. The next morning he told me all about it, how she was being all uber-clingy to the point of terrifying, creepy. And it made me think about all the furries I've known personally. They're all pretty much like that. (Not all furries, mind you; just the ones I've known personally.) It made me wonder if I'm converting to fur-ness for the wrong reasons.

You know....I'm a unique individual. I don't like to think that I am, but people tell me it all the time. It makes me feel incredibly lonely. Growing up, I just wanted to be normal, to fit in. The older I got the more I accepted that that's never going to happen, so I went for the next best thing. I looked for fringe groups that shared my bizarre way of thinking and interests. I tried the vampire community. Goths. Otherkin. And now Furries. Even though I fit myself into those groups, I still felt I had to be different from them somehow....because I am.

So I sit down and I really have to ask myself this important question.
What is more important to me:
Being accepted?
Or my individuality?

If you've read this far, chances are you're either highly amused/intrigued by this strange person before you... or experiencing something similar yourself and are finally glad to read about someone else going through it.

Well, let me tell you this. There is NOTHING more important in this world than one's autonomy. We live on a planet populated by 6 billion people. That's about 8 more decimal places than your little monkey brain is able to comprehend. Not only that, but compared to other animals on this planet, our gene pool is fairly small. Humans are genetically more identical to one another than any other animal. Bearing those 2 facts in mind, the odds of coming across a person that is actually, truly, unique, are probably close to zero. There are only about 20 or so types of personalities in the world. And just look at how societies are structured. Conformity is encouraged from birth. We are not herd animals, but sometimes it sure seems like it! Get a person that's a little bit different and the herd shuns him. Get a person who's very different, and he's put on drugs to make him "normal". Uniqueness...Individuality. This is far more precious than platinum.

Having done some travelling, I finally understand that.


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